Mystical cosmos and shooting stars

This has been a tough week. I drove up to Wirral Thursday for my Friday morning appointment with the Uveitis clinic at St Paul’s in Liverpool. It always takes me a few hours to land back there. It’s about 135 miles, that’s about three and a quarter hours from the farm in Wales, where we spend most of our time, to our home in Hoylake, where our sons still live.

My son Kris agreed to come with me to the clinic, as the tests etc. leave me with wide open pupils, light sensitivity, blurry vision and a feeling of vulnerability, so it’s really helpful to have someone to walk with me and keep me company. this time, it turned out was to be a long one.  About 5 hours there. It was the usual eye test, then anaesthetic drops, pressure test, some other sting-y drops, then the drops that make your pupils huge, so that the light hurts them and the doctors can see what’s going on inside. the also took my blood pressure again.  It is always low. Today it was 98/60.

This time they told me that all the tests had come back clear except for three things. One showed that I have had toxoplasmosis in the past, either from cats, sheep ticks, or possibly dogs. this may have been the cause of the scarring in my right eye. The second and third were markers for possible inflammatory arthritis. so, to establish that they wanted to photograph the blood vessels at the back of my eyes to see if they were inflamed. To do this they must canulate me and inject yellow dye from shellfish into my blood. This is called a Fundus Fluorescein Angiography to asses retinal circulation.

I was canulated by a lovely Russian lady called Dasha. I was really scared about this procedure. I don’t think I’ve had it done before and was really nervous, nauseous at the thought and a bit fainty! I had to look away while she did it.

I was even more scared when they put the dye in, but I hardly felt a thing. Then I had to stick my face against this huge camera machine, which shone all sorts of lights into my eyes and took pictures. this culminated in the decision to refer me to a rheumatologist regarding inflammatory arthritis. An appointment will come soon.

One thing I learnt from all this is that fear is really scary. As is the unknown. I really was afraid, vulnerable, anxious. I really needed to use my breathing techniques and meditation and grounding tools in order to stay calm and present. I also missed being able to leave my body at will. Anyone who has been abused is a master of dis incarnation. Until I began yoga and really grounded myself and fully entered by body I was able to disappear whenever I didn’t want to feel what was happening to me. I can’t do it any more. I’m glad really, but still, now and then it would come in handy. None of it was as bad as I expected. Though my eyes were sore for a couple of days and I was very wobbled and discombobulated for a day or so, until I was given some healing.

The next day I went off to mid Wales for my Sound Healing course, which was brilliant and I got some really deep healing from the teacher, who got me back to normal very quickly when we teamed up to practice toning scales into the chakras. It was an incredible experience.

One thing we learned was to focus sound and that we could use a crystal wand as a laser to increase the power for certain types of issue. I hadn’t worked with crystals for ages, but decided that this was something I really wanted to try. When I got home I arranged to meet up with a friend Dido, who is helping me choose the right supplements to assist my healing. she has recommended 1000 milligrams of vitamin C as calcium ascorbate, three times a day with food and Kyolic garlic with each meal as well. She happened to have a crystal wand waiting for me, a very powerful one, she said. A singing, Lemurian, Isis, elestial laser. how beautifully synchronistic.

Well, when I got it home I smudged it with Palo Santo, a sacred perfumed wood, instead of the traditional sage smudge. I prefer the palo santo. Then I smudged the case I spent all morning making for it to live in. Then I charged it up in the sunlight, programmed it for healing and then set about getting to know it and introducing myself to it and it to me. I meditated with it on each chakra. I had first done some sound healing on myself using musical intervals, toning and chanting, so my energy was clear and grounded.

Then, after turning on my iPod to the global Ah tone by Johnathon Goldman, I put the crystal on each chakra in turn and tuned in while the Ah tone softly hummed away in my ears. I felt great heat and cleansing and opening in my lower three chakras and my heart chakra. I saw gold light and sensed a pyramid at the brow chakra and the soma chakra and white light at the crown. I left my body, expanded right up and out from the crown and as I did something happened in my heart. My heart started beating a weird rhythm like morse code. I could feel my left breast as if something were tapping the inside, really odd sensation. I felt something fundamental was changing inside me at a very deep, almost DNA level. I began to feel very clear, open, transparent. I felt a bit scared at the continuing pounding in my heart but I knew it was ok, so I said to myself “it’s ok, relax, I’m not scared”, and I simply surrendered.

I don’t really know what is going on here, but I do know that the energies on the planet are changing and we can shift too, as long as we don’t fight it. So, I follow my inner guidance, my intuition and ask for support from my spirit guides too. I don’t really need to understand any more, I’m quite comfortable with the mysteries of the cosmos and being part of that.

I was very tired quite soon after dinner and went to bed early. I’d had a headache and nausea a bit, not sure if it was the sun or the autoimmune thing, but I was really tired. I woke up at four in the morning because the dog was barking, got up for a pee and when I got back to bed I turned to look out the window at the stars. Something happened then that has only happened this powerfully once before in my life – As I turned to the stars immediately a HUGE golden shooting star fell across the sky just within the frame of my window. The last time a shooting star encounter happened so strong and clear as that was to do with my mum in December 1991. This made me think of her again. She died in April in 1991.

I had done several hours of sound healing work on myself. It certainly shifted something. This morning I woke up brimming over with pain. I felt furious and overwhelmed by everything and everything made me cry. I released lots of old pain and cried over and over. Then I did more sound healing work afterwards to soothe myself and finally felt great relief. I think that much of this crying was releasing old grief. I felt headachey and a bit nauseous again today, my eyes were sore too and tired.

Some people believe that autoimmune disorders are related to unhealed losses. that they are a result of too much stress, in whatever form that might take, anger, betrayal, years of doing or being in situations that are stressful. I am tending to agree with this. My feeling is that this is for me about living in situations that stressed me out for years, and that I am now re-visioning my life, hence the eye issue.

I really do feel that these things are not illnesses that we need doctors to remove symptoms for us. I believe that they are messages from our body showing us where we are out of balance and that by removing the symptom without getting the message and changing our life we will get ill again until we find the way to find balance and wholeness.

The shooting star, the crystal and its powerful effect, the incredible sound healing all leave me impressed again by the mystical cosmos, the perfection of all that is and the beauty of this adventure we are all part of.