Month: April 2015

After my morning bounce today I went to do my meditation and chanting outside. I needed some more outside time and I have been feeling a bit crap since the sound healing 10 days ago.

I have just finished (I hope) a 12 day period, which the sound healing also really ramped up, some good cleansing blood letting going on there… my Uveitits symptoms have worsened since the healing too. That doesn’t worry me – healing can cause things to intensify as they are released, as energy rebalances itself in the system. Plus, I had done some more intense healing with myself using the musical intervals and the crystal a few days after, so a lot of moving of energy will be going on.

Hence, really tired, headaches, more inflammation too – my fingers feel very swollen, my joints tired, weak and achey, but the most challenging symptom is the underlying one at the heart of the matter – the emotional pain that is arising. I am feeling an emotional mess.

I know that I have grief and pain to be released, as I have no patience (a sure sign of emerging issues), I feel suppressed energy surging up and making me feeling restless, angry, frustrated, weepy and I feel like shouting, screaming, smashing things every time I try to do something and I’m too weak or clumsy or I mess something up and then I cry.

So, today I went outside into the very mixed late April mountain weather and I did the chi gong element exercise before I sat to meditate on the medicine wheel. Firstly, I do my grounding, centring and protection; connecting to the earth, to the sky and the stars, which brings to my awareness and intensifies the energy flow between mother earth and my heart, and father sky and my heart. I then use sacred geometric energy forms to keep me in balance and prevent my energy from being lost or taken by others.

Nature abhors imbalance as well as a vacuum, so if you vibrate at a high level and others around you at a lower one, (and hours of energy work like I’ve been doing for the last 20 years raises your energy a lot), so unless you consciously control your own energy system your energy can leak away into the people around you. And sometimes people will actually consciously take your energy too. You’d be surprised how often that happens.

A few weeks ago on the train to Liverpool I sat next to someone I know only vaguely and we chatted for a while. After about 20 minutes she said something like “you don’t have very powerful energy for a yoga teacher and healer Hara, I’ve been trying to take an energy boost from you for the last few minutes and I’m getting nothing!” Once I got over my shock at her cheek I told her that I’m not surprised that she got nothing, as I am not inexperienced and am well aware of psychic vampires, conscious or unconscious and I never go out without protection to keep people from lowering my energy or letting in any unbalanced or low energy forms that might be hanging around in the environment.  She seemed quite cross that I wouldn’t allow her to charge herself up on my energy.

If you don’t buy into this here are a couple of examples of how you will have most likely experienced this yourself…

1)   You feel great and then you go to spend time with someone you know who is very needy and demanding. After you leave them you are exhausted. Even if you didn’t speak about their problems.

2)   You go out into a public space for a bit of shopping or to meet up with friends and you feel really drained and tired when you get home despite only having walked a bit and spent some time in a coffee shop.

In both cases your energy has been drained by someone who is vibrating at a lower level than you. This is not a judgment thing, it’s just a fact about energy. It doesn’t mean they are better or worse than you in any way, it could be as simple as your mood is high or theirs is low. Its all an exchange of energy which happens all the time!

Anyway, back to this morning’s practice. I grounded, centred and protected myself and then did my medicine wheel meditation that I do every day. There are many models or templates for this from all over, but mine is one I’ve used for over 20 years and it works for me.

I started in the East, in my model the gateway to Fire and Spirit, and I asked for guidance, inspiration, enlightenment, for light to be shed onto my healing journey. This is the place of new beginnings, starting over. I asked to be guided through this healing  journey and for spirit to help me remember at all times that in truth there is no illness, danger or anything to fear; that the material world is illusory and the stuff of duality, simply the appearance of reality, but actually only a reflection of the deeper reality beneath. I spent some time in gratitude for the flow of spiritual awareness and support in my life.

In the south, gateway to Water and the Emotions I connected with the universal flow, and asked spirit to help me remember to flow at all times with all life brings to me, and to allow my emotions to flow through me, while I remain detached from them in my calm centre and I asked spirit to support me in witnessing, fully feeling and experiencing my emotions as they flow through me, but not to keep hold of them and thus indulge them, whether painful or comfortable. I reminded myself that only love is real and spent some time in gratitude for all of the loving, nurturing and nourishing relationships that I am blessed with in my life.

During this time connecting with emotions, water and flow, I began to notice an imbalance in my hands. In the place of the south I was holding my hands in the Buddhi mudra to connect to the element of water even more deeply. I ‘felt’ into my hands (moved my awareness into them) to explore the imbalance more and was fully mindful of the energy in them, the tightness and swelling and this strange sense of imbalance between left and right. It felt like one hand was making a different mudra to the other, I looked down and they were the same but felt really different.

The weather was changing around me as I sat, the wind blew in the trees and ruffled my hair and it was chilly with the clouds scudding all over the sky, white and grey ones that sprinkled me firstly with pellets of icy hail and then with large but intermittent drops of rain. I was still warm from my workout and the thick tracksuit I was wearing and the hoody and raincoat over my legs.

I sat feeling the swirling emotions within me and the currents of wind without. There was a blackbird close by on top of the huge pine tree across the year from me. He was singing his head off and the sound, intensified by my eyes being closed, took me back to a place of deep love, to early childhood. I was very young, perhaps five or so, in the garden of my Auntie Kay, a very elderly lady friend of my mother’s who we visited a lot when I was tiny. I sank into feelings of safety, warmth, love, care, being protected, looked after, innocent still of the cruelties, suffering and loss that life inevitably brings us, and suddenly I was crying for that small child, for my mum and dad and the lovely old ladies who were family friends and doted on us and who are all long dead.

I recognised that since my mum died in 1991 I had no one older and wiser than me, no loving elder to hold me and say that things will be ok; to give me support and advice, to say I’m here, don’t worry, you won’t fall, I’ve got you.

I felt such a wave of grief and longing release from my heart, I wanted so much to have that feeling again and I knew that not having anyone there for me, in that particular way, was both the greatest loss and the greatest gift of my life. It meant that I had no option 24 years ago other than to turn to spirit, first in the form of nature, then later to non physical beings; my spirit guides and guardian angels, in order to get the support and wisdom to grow through my life challenges. I had experienced some big challenges that I really needed support for in my twenties and thirties and I feel that turning to spirit for help opened me up to the most incredible experiences I’ve ever known, taking away forever my fear of death and showing me many times over that the non physical realms are not only real but very much able to engage with us in the material world.

As I sat there with the hail falling in my hair like diamonds through hot shafts of sunlight I was bathed in fire and ice. I felt that I must be sitting in a rainbow as the wind blew, shushing and whispering in the trees, the birds joyfully sang their little hearts out, the cuckoo called out from below me in the valley, and the woodpecker’s hammering echoed between the trees. I felt like I was in heaven. No wonder the earth is so healing to us – when we stop to fully listen and feel, our hearts can open up and nature’s beauty, perfection, the emerging creative, joyful life energy that flows everywhere is bound to fill us too with joy, peace, harmony and vitality.

After that I moved into the West, the gateway to Earth and the Body and I changed my mudra to the Soorya mudra, the earth element, that brings health and vitality. I asked the spirit of the west to aid me in regaining my health and vitality and to understand what my body needs to return to balance and health.

Again, in this mudra, my hands felt unbalanced and as I felt more deeply into my  whole body I realised that it was my whole left (feminine) and right (masculine) sides of my body felt different, unbalanced and almost disconnected, as if they belonged to two different people.

The left side felt heavy, tight, swollen, toxic, blocked, stagnant, inflamed and angry. As I let my awareness sink deeper into my body I felt it was swollen with unshed tears, unexpressed rage (inflammation is usually anger issues – fire energy) burning fury, impotence and grief.

The right side felt clear, open, soft and flowing, almost transparent. It felt full of liquid warmth and was energised. The sun began to shine hotter and brighter and the wind softened to a cool breeze. I opened my eyes for a few moments and the sky was a deep blue, the clouds almost gone and I focussed on the imbalance within me and deepened into it as the sun’s warmth eased me into the blocked pain in my left side.

I allowed myself to feel the sun melting the blocks, asked the breeze to blow them away, thanked the rain for cleansing my energy and the earth for receiving my pain as I cried and cried, a torrent of grief, sorrow and hurt poured out of me. As the flow slowly ebbed and emptied away I was left filled with peace.

Once I had fully immersed myself in the peace within, I slowly moved my awareness to the North, the gateway to Air and the Mind and changed to Gnana mudra, the air element and bringer of wisdom and spiritual understanding. I remembered the wisdom, knowledge and understanding that I have gained and that which I still have to learn and will come to me as I move further into my wise woman energy – that crone stage that is coming at the end of my menopause journey. I asked for the spirit of the north to increase my wisdom, knowledge and understanding for the highest good of myself and of all beings, and that my experiences would be able to help others find ways to enjoy for themselves more peace, love and harmony and less suffering.

 I gave thanks to the spirits of the four directions and the elements, the trees, the birds, the ice and fire, mother earth and father sky and the rain, the beautiful life giving rain. Then I chanted for a while, the great Moola mantra.

The Maha Moola mantra invokes the living God into the space where you are, it invokes protection, relief from suffering, connects us to the void, to love and joy, medicine and nectar – it brings serenity, the holy spirit manifests around you when you chant it. It is perfect practice for someone on a healing journey.

I then finally went inside, now thoroughly chilled and in need of some breakfast.

Things are moving on, I am still taking vast quantities of Vitamin C as calcium ascorbate, or ascorbic acid as its called. I am taking Kyolic garlic, the Serrapeptase and the Immunkomplex. These supplements are helping a lot. The hospital are pleased with my progress and improvements and I am just getting monitored now, now treatments from them.

I still think that what will allow this to be ultimately released from my system is more work like I did today; more healing, more remembering and letting go, allowing my body to let out what it has stored for so long and wishes to be rid of. Then, I think, I will come back to balance and health.

Well, here’s to that!

This last few years (2008 to 2015) is a 7 year cycle period for me – from age 42 to 49, from the 6^th to the 7^th life stage. I have been working with sound during this whole stage.

During my Masters Degree in Consciousness Studies and Transpersonal Psychology I began a huge shift in my spiritual practice (which had been Authentic Power practice and Yoga, both chakra based practices) to include the use of Sound and Silence. I trained as a Transformational Yoga teacher, learned the bija mantras and the Indian musical notes Sa Re Ga etc., as well as other forms of chanting including the OM from Hatha yoga, Tantric mantras from Shakti yoga and Vedic mantras from Shabda Yoga. I also learned how these mantras related to the chakras and how to use them to bring about balance and healing that would filter immediately from the subtle into the mental and emotional levels of wellbeing. I studied this at the Sri Aurobindo Ashram in New Delhi in January 2008. I was in India to attend the first International Congress on Psychology and Spirituality. There I met Swamiji Vidyanand and after the congress I went to train with him as a teacher.

Also, during my MSc course I undertook an individual research project into the effects of Sound and Silence on the psyche and the physical body. This research and the training in Transformational yoga, which combined postures with a lot of chanting and study of the chakras and subtle energy field of the body correlated closely with the colour meditation and study of the subtle energies and chakras I had undertaken at the College of Healing back in 1994.

Working with the chakras has been at the heart of all of the healing work I have done. I feel this is essential, as they relate to the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of the multiple human systems. They relate to the endocrine system, the glands, hormones, the chemical messengers in the body; the circulatory, digestive and elimination systems. Each chakra helps to regulate different aspects of our system.

Then I began to put together what I had learnt about the energy centres (another name for the chakras) and intention with Gary Zukav when I studied Authentic Power with him; what I learned about energy, intentions and healing at the College of Healing; about sound, energy and intention in Transformational yoga and I became more excited.

As a student of Psycho-therapies, Person Centred Counselling, Transpersonal Psychology, Authentic Power (a spiritual psychology) and Healing my primary focus has always been on healing psychological and spiritual issues, using Transpersonal tools, i.e. tools that include the notion of holism, a spiritual reality and a connection to a wider more meaningful reality.

Now, discovering the power of adding Sound into the mix was the most exciting thing in the world for me. You see, I come from a family of musicians. Singers, pianists, violinists. Now my sons are both musicians too, they play guitar, classical, rock, base and also drums. I sing, dance, play samba and shamanic drums and my soul never sings more sweetly than when bathed in music, all types, but particularly classical, and I CHANT ALL THE TIME! I sing every day.

As a family we sang together. We were a dysfunctional lot, a bunch of addicts if ever you met one – alcoholics, smokers, food addicts, shop and workaholics, sex addicts, we did most of the good ones – but the place where we were healthy, whole and in harmony was when we made music together. We sang as a family at celebrations, it was the one thing I remember that united us. When we were all one in LOVE and harmony. Whether it was singing around my paternal grandmother Mabel at the piano, she was a brilliant professional pianist, or singing in 3 or 4 part acapella harmony around the Christmas dinner table, we made wonderful music together and always, always it moved us to tears.

I sang in the school choir and in school musicals, my mother sang in a choir at St George’s Hall in Liverpool. We always cried when we heard each other sing. It made our souls BLOOM, put us in touch with our own and each others’ beauty and perfection, our emotions, our souls were exposed, open, blossoming – it was the only time I think we were truly vulnerable and authentic with each other.

So, now I am practicing and studying sound healing (there’s always more to learn) and discovering deeper and deeper levels. It excites me and empassions me – really FLOATS MY BOAT. I am studying Sound Yoga, musical intervals and scales, how to use tuning forks, singing bowls, new ways of chanting and toning to remove pain and energy blocks, where I would have used my hands before. I LOVE using sound to do things my hands used to do. Its so gentle and sweet.

I am bringing together all the Shamanic, therapeutic, colour, sound, chakra and energy tools I’ve learned during the last 25 years to evolve my own personal practice as well as my healing work. I have created Sound Mind Yoga a simple blend of these tools that anyone can use to enhance wellbeing and I am doing a diploma in Sound Healing to learn as much as I can about new things I can do with sound. I have plenty to do during my Uveitis sabbatical, including using all these tools on myself!

When my sabbatical is over I will blend Hara Willow Healing and Amazing Lyfe and Sound Mind Yoga into some coherent meta approach. It will be focussed into one stream. Not sure what that will look like, as I’m still in the chaos stage of revisioning my life, but it will get there…

 

We have this idea in the Western World that ‘dis-ease’ is some sort of frightening threat to our wellbeing and disruption to our everyday life with symptoms that must be stopped, as soon as possible, so we can carry on as normal.

Whilst there are some diseases that can kill us if left unchecked and the Western Medical model is an essential part of our toolkit to keep us whole, healthy and well, it is not the only tool in the bag and health is not just about the physical.

We rely far too much on the allopathic input and too little on our selves. My studies on Transpersonal Psychology, Yoga, Healing – Sound, Spiritual, Reiki and Shamanic models, as well as in psychotherapy, Counselling, the therapeutic relationship and all manner of approaches to psychological wellbeing in particular have led me to understand that we humans are both creatures of habit and, in the main, more than willing to hand over our personal responsibility to those we deem have more learning/knowledge/experience/authority that ourselves. It is how we are trained from nursery to university and on into employment.

However, modern medicine is rooted in a mechanistic, materialist and often reductionist world-view. In other words, medicine views us as meat machines, perhaps with a little emotional energy present. Also, it values the physical and mental aspects of us, but still, even in this era of understanding the placebo effect, largely underestimates the value of our emotional and spiritual lives with regards to their effect on our health and wellbeing. When I say spiritual I mean not religious, but relating to meaning, purpose, our values and our sense of belonging, connection and community.

Despite this generalisation about the medical model, which largely holds true, the tide is beginning to turn. It seems that we are going through another renaissance – a transformation which will radically alter the future of medicine, of health and of psychology.

Already psychological understanding and practice are changing and embracing tools such as mindfulness, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Compassion based therapy, as well as others that stem from traditional spiritual approaches to consciousness, healing and wellness (despite a complete lack of acknowledgement of the Transpersonal Branch of psychology, which has been studying and exploring these practices since the 1960s).

These ‘new’ therapies are becoming mainstream due to their efficacy in transforming mental and emotional health, which also then affects our physical wellbeing. These practices originate in Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish, Shamanic and other traditions that work with mind, emotions, consciousness, will and our spiritual sense of connection to something greater than ourselves. Psychology itself has its roots in Jewish Mystical practice, in fact most effective modern practices that help us to improve our health holistically, such as yoga, mindfulness and meditation, which can really improve our health on every level have their foundations in ancient spiritual traditions.
I am on a healing journey, a process of transformation, one that is represented to us in all the fairy tales from Snow White to Cinderella and in the myths and stories of nearly every nation on earth. The journey to maturity, to health, to death is represented in these tales. The psychological journey to health has been described as a descent into the ‘long dark night of the soul’. It is the falling apart of the self, the breakdown of the ego’s defences, entering into the unknown territory of chaos and rebirth, typified in Joseph Campbell’s archetypal model of the Hero’s Journey. It is one that is reflected in nature by the caterpillar changing into a butterfly. In order to be reborn as a butterfly the caterpillar must die, must dissolve into a genetic soup and reorganise itself around a new pattern that its’ soul contains the template for. This is a beautiful metaphor for our healing journey.

Science is beginning to catch up with this eternal wisdom. Soon health will not be seen as illness and cure, but as a journey like any other with ups and downs and many tools to use along the way. Tools to created harmony when we are faced with dischord.

As John Beaulieu, N.D., Ph.D. states in his essay on dissonance; ‘Nobel prize winning physicist Dr Ilya Prigogine discovered the importance of dissonance while investigating chemical systems. He termed his discoveries “order from chaos”. Prigogine proved that for a system to change and go into a higher state of functioning it must first pass through a state of disruption or chaos. The sonic term for chaos is dissonance’.

He also points out the ‘crucial role dissonance plays in living systems evolving into higher levels of order or resonance’. So, the challenges and trials in our lives can cause us to break down and become ill and descend into chaos, where we can then reorganise ourselves into a new higher level of functioning or we get sicker and die. On the Hero’s journey there are helpers and trials. The Hero always has to ask for help, and be willing to receive it. And follow the advice and support of the helpers, because as we know we cannot fix a problem using the same level of consciousness as that which created it.

We see this truth about dissonance reflected in music as well. Dissonance in classical music moves the melody and comes to a resolution.

I learnt around 20 years ago that imbalance can occur at any one of the several levels of our being – energetically it can manifest in our subtle bodies as a stressor at an emotional or mental level, where it can be ignored (as we are often wont to do) sometimes for years before if finally manifests as a physical symptom. Or, we can get a physical problem, say in an accident, which can then cause mental/emotional issues.

An example: Not a real one, a hypothetical example.

I am afraid of and shamed by father as a child on a regular basis – in order to protect myself from these painful feelings I unconsciously hunch my shoulders when I get yelled at. Over time this becomes a pattern of feeling and behaving until I do it every time I see him or hear his voice. He is an authority figure, the primary one in life. I now have learnt to fear being shamed and humiliated by authority figures and as I grow up I project this onto my teachers at school, then my boss and other authority figures in my life and I encounter lots of these as I age.

Over the years I have unconsciously hunched my shoulders and bitten down my anger, suppressed my feelings of powerlessness and given my power away to Doctors, Lawyers, Judges, bosses, anyone I perceive has more power and authority than myself.

I give my power away to these people (my solar plexus chakra becomes weak and unbalanced) as I block my own flow of power and authority, confidence and self esteem. I develop anxiety (also solar plexus) which leads to stomach ulcers and by the time I’ve hit middle age I have chronic neck, back and shoulder pain from the tightening up I’ve done to ward off the perceived threats of humiliation.

Eventually I have a bad neck, upper back, shoulders, IBS and ulcers, an alcohol issue (I think it calms me down and helps me relax my aching body) and am unable to speak up for myself when I need to.

If we had dealt with the father issue during childhood none of these illnesses would have occurred. If we deal with this root or core issue now, the rest can be transformed and released and slowly the body will come back to balance and heal itself. But instead we get medication, muscle pain cream, meds for ulcers, tranquilisers for anxiety and others for our IBS and we still have all the emotional issues that keep us stuck in these behaviours and reinforce the blocked energies that should be in balance, the powerlessness that keep us stuck in the same habits and we continue to reproduce all the symptoms as well. Now that’s CRAZY!

We distract ourselves from feeling, we don’t allow ourselves to deeply explore our inner worlds, we do all we can to avoid the underlying pain of powerlessness, unworthiness, shame, guilt, unloveableness, or whatever core fears we have about ourselves. This avoidance prevents us from healing and transforming ourselves. When we can’t see our demons we can pretend they aren’t there… and eventually they will get us!

But instead of facing our fears, our monsters and demons we are taught that it is better to distract ourselves from the silence and stillness that lead us to our pain. We reach outwards instead to things to fill us up, numb us out, stop us from feeling. The louder our pain calls to be healed the more powerfully attractive our distractions appear to us, until they become addictions. Sexual addiction is actually the most common and least dealt with – in the forms of pornography, promiscuity, adultery and the thrill of serial monogamy without commitment, friends with benefits, they are all often used as ways to avoid real intimacy – InTiMaCy – In to me see – the vulnerable, authentic self which we avoid we can’t let others see either – in case they see how crap we really are (in our minds at least).

Other more obvious distractions and addictions are drugs and alcohol, retail therapy (although therapy is the wrong word, this doesn’t help, it harms), computer games, television, gambling, partying, work, noise, loudness, busy-ness.

A sabbatical can be a time to fall apart, into yourself, into chaos which can allow us to discover our authentic self, our whole self, our true needs, desires, gifts and find our balance and wholeness, and the template to remake ourselves.

I believe that this ‘illness’ or dis-ease that I have is my soul calling out to me that it is time for another butterfly effect. I have done it before – it can take a few transformations along the way as we move from one stage to another. We are somewhat more complex and have greater potential for creativity than a simple butterfly, so one transformation is not usually enough. That’s why we go in 7 year cycles of change. I will speak more about that later. During each transition I have become more myself, that means more calm, confident, peaceful, joyful, radiant, creative, loving, compassionate, empathic, soulful, a better wife, mother, friend, healer. Maybe, when I have finished this stage I should run ‘butterfly effect’ retreats – to share tools for transformation! I shall have to meditate on that.

This has been a tough week. I drove up to Wirral Thursday for my Friday morning appointment with the Uveitis clinic at St Paul’s in Liverpool. It always takes me a few hours to land back there. It’s about 135 miles, that’s about three and a quarter hours from the farm in Wales, where we spend most of our time, to our home in Hoylake, where our sons still live.

My son Kris agreed to come with me to the clinic, as the tests etc. leave me with wide open pupils, light sensitivity, blurry vision and a feeling of vulnerability, so it’s really helpful to have someone to walk with me and keep me company. this time, it turned out was to be a long one.  About 5 hours there. It was the usual eye test, then anaesthetic drops, pressure test, some other sting-y drops, then the drops that make your pupils huge, so that the light hurts them and the doctors can see what’s going on inside. the also took my blood pressure again.  It is always low. Today it was 98/60.

This time they told me that all the tests had come back clear except for three things. One showed that I have had toxoplasmosis in the past, either from cats, sheep ticks, or possibly dogs. this may have been the cause of the scarring in my right eye. The second and third were markers for possible inflammatory arthritis. so, to establish that they wanted to photograph the blood vessels at the back of my eyes to see if they were inflamed. To do this they must canulate me and inject yellow dye from shellfish into my blood. This is called a Fundus Fluorescein Angiography to asses retinal circulation.

I was canulated by a lovely Russian lady called Dasha. I was really scared about this procedure. I don’t think I’ve had it done before and was really nervous, nauseous at the thought and a bit fainty! I had to look away while she did it.

I was even more scared when they put the dye in, but I hardly felt a thing. Then I had to stick my face against this huge camera machine, which shone all sorts of lights into my eyes and took pictures. this culminated in the decision to refer me to a rheumatologist regarding inflammatory arthritis. An appointment will come soon.

One thing I learnt from all this is that fear is really scary. As is the unknown. I really was afraid, vulnerable, anxious. I really needed to use my breathing techniques and meditation and grounding tools in order to stay calm and present. I also missed being able to leave my body at will. Anyone who has been abused is a master of dis incarnation. Until I began yoga and really grounded myself and fully entered by body I was able to disappear whenever I didn’t want to feel what was happening to me. I can’t do it any more. I’m glad really, but still, now and then it would come in handy. None of it was as bad as I expected. Though my eyes were sore for a couple of days and I was very wobbled and discombobulated for a day or so, until I was given some healing.

The next day I went off to mid Wales for my Sound Healing course, which was brilliant and I got some really deep healing from the teacher, who got me back to normal very quickly when we teamed up to practice toning scales into the chakras. It was an incredible experience.

One thing we learned was to focus sound and that we could use a crystal wand as a laser to increase the power for certain types of issue. I hadn’t worked with crystals for ages, but decided that this was something I really wanted to try. When I got home I arranged to meet up with a friend Dido, who is helping me choose the right supplements to assist my healing. she has recommended 1000 milligrams of vitamin C as calcium ascorbate, three times a day with food and Kyolic garlic with each meal as well. She happened to have a crystal wand waiting for me, a very powerful one, she said. A singing, Lemurian, Isis, elestial laser. how beautifully synchronistic.

Well, when I got it home I smudged it with Palo Santo, a sacred perfumed wood, instead of the traditional sage smudge. I prefer the palo santo. Then I smudged the case I spent all morning making for it to live in. Then I charged it up in the sunlight, programmed it for healing and then set about getting to know it and introducing myself to it and it to me. I meditated with it on each chakra. I had first done some sound healing on myself using musical intervals, toning and chanting, so my energy was clear and grounded.

Then, after turning on my iPod to the global Ah tone by Johnathon Goldman, I put the crystal on each chakra in turn and tuned in while the Ah tone softly hummed away in my ears. I felt great heat and cleansing and opening in my lower three chakras and my heart chakra. I saw gold light and sensed a pyramid at the brow chakra and the soma chakra and white light at the crown. I left my body, expanded right up and out from the crown and as I did something happened in my heart. My heart started beating a weird rhythm like morse code. I could feel my left breast as if something were tapping the inside, really odd sensation. I felt something fundamental was changing inside me at a very deep, almost DNA level. I began to feel very clear, open, transparent. I felt a bit scared at the continuing pounding in my heart but I knew it was ok, so I said to myself “it’s ok, relax, I’m not scared”, and I simply surrendered.

I don’t really know what is going on here, but I do know that the energies on the planet are changing and we can shift too, as long as we don’t fight it. So, I follow my inner guidance, my intuition and ask for support from my spirit guides too. I don’t really need to understand any more, I’m quite comfortable with the mysteries of the cosmos and being part of that.

I was very tired quite soon after dinner and went to bed early. I’d had a headache and nausea a bit, not sure if it was the sun or the autoimmune thing, but I was really tired. I woke up at four in the morning because the dog was barking, got up for a pee and when I got back to bed I turned to look out the window at the stars. Something happened then that has only happened this powerfully once before in my life – As I turned to the stars immediately a HUGE golden shooting star fell across the sky just within the frame of my window. The last time a shooting star encounter happened so strong and clear as that was to do with my mum in December 1991. This made me think of her again. She died in April in 1991.

I had done several hours of sound healing work on myself. It certainly shifted something. This morning I woke up brimming over with pain. I felt furious and overwhelmed by everything and everything made me cry. I released lots of old pain and cried over and over. Then I did more sound healing work afterwards to soothe myself and finally felt great relief. I think that much of this crying was releasing old grief. I felt headachey and a bit nauseous again today, my eyes were sore too and tired.

Some people believe that autoimmune disorders are related to unhealed losses. that they are a result of too much stress, in whatever form that might take, anger, betrayal, years of doing or being in situations that are stressful. I am tending to agree with this. My feeling is that this is for me about living in situations that stressed me out for years, and that I am now re-visioning my life, hence the eye issue.

I really do feel that these things are not illnesses that we need doctors to remove symptoms for us. I believe that they are messages from our body showing us where we are out of balance and that by removing the symptom without getting the message and changing our life we will get ill again until we find the way to find balance and wholeness.

The shooting star, the crystal and its powerful effect, the incredible sound healing all leave me impressed again by the mystical cosmos, the perfection of all that is and the beauty of this adventure we are all part of.

 

Today my lovely friend Rose told me that she’s started reading my blog and feels that it is really powerful. “I don’t know why you haven’t got millions of people coming to you for healing”, she said.

“I know”, I replied. “I’ve spent the last three years running myself ragged trying to let ht world know I’m here, trying to share the 25 years of knowledge, experience, training and research I’ve done in tools for healing, growth and transformation and it’s like no-one wants what I’m offering! No-one cares! I’m trying to share something, or in business terms ‘selling a service’ that no-one seems to want. Or, as my wise and loving husband put it, “No-one knows they want it!”

I went deeply into my body’s response to this… how would it feel having ‘millions of clients?’ as Rose put it. Eeek! My body screamed.  Okay then, how about 4 or 5 clients a day? Eeek! My body screamed.  Okay then, how about just 1 or 2 a day? Eeek! My body still screamed. 3 or 4 a week? No?

Then it hit me!  I’M NOT READY!

I’m too tired. Too ill. Except ill is not the right word. It is just ‘not ready’. I am transitioning – not the ultimate one into death, but a double/triple whammy even so.

1. The menopause – a powerful transition into Personal Power.
2. My children are no longer living with us and we are adjusting to that.
3. This auto immune thing.
4. Trying to make a living from Healing/Transpersonal Psychology.

WOW. All of these are BIG TRANSITIONS and all of them are moving me towards my next goal/stage in life, which is TRUE AUTHENTIC EMPOWERMENT or living my SOUL’s life.

This means coming into a deeper level of living, moving into GREATNESS, MASTERY if you will, Mastery of my own authentic way of living and sharing my gifts with the world.

This is not mastery in the sense of becoming a master teacher, or guru, but the master of my own healing process/journey towards wholeness. It is the passing through the doorway from EGO ATTACHMENT to AUTHENTIC SOUL POWER. The last few bricks are tumbling from my wall and I’m going to be able to shine my light fully as I energy from behind it.

During this part of the process I am dissolving into chaos right now, like the caterpillar dissolved into genetic soup – in order to transform into a butterfly.

I believe that the Uveitis is my signal to withdraw from the world and focus on the dissolution and re-integration process so that I can become WHOLE, wholly and Holy my Self.

I believe that this is our mission in life, our meaning, our purpose. This is the mission of our soul. To find our true light, our skills, gifts, our joys, our passion and radiate them out into the universe for the highest good of all.

So….. here I go. Into my soup. I will continue to share this process as I go along.

And I am FEELING EXCITED!

04/04/15

When will I ever learn?

Maundy Thursday I was tempted by an Easter bun from the organics. Hand crafted by my friend Tess, who bakes the delicious organic spelt and rye breads I eat. Well, actually it was my hubby Si who bought one. Then I said get me one too. Still have lots of WILLPOWER but no WON’TPOWER at all. It was delicious, but very heavy and doughy.

I woke in the night anxious, as I usually do after wheat. Or was it the red wine? I drink red wine every weekend and only if I have a bit too much does it affect me adversely. It’s my special weekend treat.

In most ways I’ve been taking good care of myself this week. We’ve had fish and veg, or just veg every day. Fish stew, fish pie, mackerel on toast, veggie cheese soup (with goats cheese) and one chicken roast with a ton of steamed veggies.

I’m still having oats for breakfast most days. It’s delicious with coconut milk! I’ve not had a good week though for health. Yesterday, (after the wheat?) I woke up and my fingers crackled with arthritis. That’s new. I’ve had some sharp pains like pins in my right eye a couple of times.

I had lowered my doses of Serrapeptase from 6 a day to 3 a day, but then they were going down so fast and our income is so low that I dropped to 2 a day. Which is nevertheless 480,000 icu, still a hefty dose. But I also dropped the Immunkoplex to every other day.

Not a good idea. Improvements stopped. I’ve done a 35 – 45 minute workout every day this last week. Nearly got that dance routine sorted. And made sure that I got a sweat on and my heart racing as well as did warm up and cool down stretches and yoga. So all muscle pains gone. EXERCISE is like THE MOST IMPORTANT thing we can do for ourselves. As I meditate afterwards for like 20-30 minutes straight after my workout I can almost literally feel the endorphins flood my system. It feels so good in my body after exercising. I can feel how blissed out my whole system gets and meditation after exercise is wonderful. Really creative. I get all my best creative ideas during dancing, yoga and meditation.

Although I said I would stop work I simply can’t do it. It’s not in my nature. Plus, we all need meaning and purpose in our lives. So, actually, there is still quite a lot for me to do and there are several reasons that I need to keep my creative juices flowing. My healing work is my driving force. Hence this blog. I still have one healing client I am working with and also my PHEW group every second week in Wirral.

I have three new work things on the go at the moment as well. I have some young people needing some Holistic Wellbeing tools, so I’ve been working on handouts and a short day long programme to share the practices with them.

I also have a three-day shamanic workshop running in June on Life, Death, Transformation and the Process of Dying. I am simultaneously co-leading and getting trained myself. I have been putting together promotional words, posters, bookings and letters to prospective participant organisations.

Finally, I am going with Jan, my co-lead from this shamanic workshop, to Italy in June, just a few days after the workshop. We are going to Milan for the first ever Transpersonal Festival where we are going to be delivering a workshop and presentation about our shamanic and sound healing practices. I am also brewing ideas for that – we will need a powerpoint presentation for our talk, then an interactive workshop session afterwards. I will be preparing the powerpoint presentation myself, so I need to keep those ideas flowing too.

All great stuff. Exciting. All my ideas come while I am in the flow state – dancing, doing yoga, or meditating. All of these practices are really YOGA – which means UNION, or being one with.

Dancing we are one with our body and the music. Yoga we are one with the body and the breath. Hopefully also, we are one with our soul during dance and yoga, but not everyone is open enough to their authentic self for moving like that. Biodanza helps teach us how to dance our soul! I’ve done a few sessions of that. Also, 5 Rhythms is a wonderful dance/meditation practice that I have done many times. These both help us dance our soul’s energy rather than getting stuck in our ego’s self consciousness, where we care what we look like. When we dance from our soul it is all about expressing how we feel, how we flow, how we roll! It’s nothing to do with what we look like, how others see us, or what anyone else is doing.

During meditation (moving or not) we are one with our breath and our WITNESS consciousness, or Higher Self or Soul (we can experience the Soul as that pure awareness that lies behind the mind, that contains the contents of our mind) – at least if we can shut the chattering monkey voice of the ego up for a few minutes. If we are meditating deeply we completely lose all sense of having a body. If we go even deeper we become one with the Self which is peace, stillness, silence. There is no mental chatter, no emotional resonance. Just deep abiding peace and awareness.

During each of these practices we are in what is called the FLOW state. Where we tend to lose our sense of separate EGO self and become one with a more flowing, open, peaceful state that is outside of awareness of self, time and space.

We get into this flow state when we are being creative also. If you paint or sew, crochet or weave, surf even!!! you can enter this flow. It is a very healing state. Our brainwave patterns change and the resulting effects on the whole system are healing; body, mind, emotions and energetic system are all balanced in this state.

So, I’ve been well enough to dance, meditate, do my yoga and lots of gardening – we have hundreds of seedlings and tiny plants going out into the polytunnel during the day and coming in at night this Easter weekend.

But there is definitely something up. I’m flat. I am having to force myself to do all this dancing, computer work, gardening. My energy is really low. My joints feel more achey and arthritic than usual. My wrists and ankles feel weak and sore again and my eye seems a little more cloudy than before. Not as bad as when I began, but worse than it was ten days ago.

I have ordered and received (within 2 days) more Immunkomplex and Serrapeptase and I’m going back to a higher dose. Plus, I will do less computer time. I’ve blogged less as I’ve been increasing my computer time to do the Death and Wellbeing work. My overall computer time is creeping up again. I’m sure this doesn’t help. I’m going to spend the least amount of time on here as possible and therefore keep the blog to maybe once a week, or twice if there’s a lot to tell.

Let’s face it. At the moment, no one is reading it anyway. So all this time I’m giving to help others via this blog is at this point blowing in the wind, so to speak. But, I will keep going. Just in case. There may be one person who sees this and it helps them. So I keep on keeping on. I do feel that there must be some point to writing it. I must keep on top of it because when I do find what is at the heart of this auto immune thing I will need this record of this journey. I must remember that and use it to motivate me to get on the computer and write.

Until the next time Adieu and I wish everyone out there receives blessings of peace, healing and love.