After my morning bounce today I went to do my meditation and chanting outside. I needed some more outside time and I have been feeling a bit crap since the sound healing 10 days ago.
I have just finished (I hope) a 12 day period, which the sound healing also really ramped up, some good cleansing blood letting going on there… my Uveitits symptoms have worsened since the healing too. That doesn’t worry me – healing can cause things to intensify as they are released, as energy rebalances itself in the system. Plus, I had done some more intense healing with myself using the musical intervals and the crystal a few days after, so a lot of moving of energy will be going on.
Hence, really tired, headaches, more inflammation too – my fingers feel very swollen, my joints tired, weak and achey, but the most challenging symptom is the underlying one at the heart of the matter – the emotional pain that is arising. I am feeling an emotional mess.
I know that I have grief and pain to be released, as I have no patience (a sure sign of emerging issues), I feel suppressed energy surging up and making me feeling restless, angry, frustrated, weepy and I feel like shouting, screaming, smashing things every time I try to do something and I’m too weak or clumsy or I mess something up and then I cry.
So, today I went outside into the very mixed late April mountain weather and I did the chi gong element exercise before I sat to meditate on the medicine wheel. Firstly, I do my grounding, centring and protection; connecting to the earth, to the sky and the stars, which brings to my awareness and intensifies the energy flow between mother earth and my heart, and father sky and my heart. I then use sacred geometric energy forms to keep me in balance and prevent my energy from being lost or taken by others.
Nature abhors imbalance as well as a vacuum, so if you vibrate at a high level and others around you at a lower one, (and hours of energy work like I’ve been doing for the last 20 years raises your energy a lot), so unless you consciously control your own energy system your energy can leak away into the people around you. And sometimes people will actually consciously take your energy too. You’d be surprised how often that happens.
A few weeks ago on the train to Liverpool I sat next to someone I know only vaguely and we chatted for a while. After about 20 minutes she said something like “you don’t have very powerful energy for a yoga teacher and healer Hara, I’ve been trying to take an energy boost from you for the last few minutes and I’m getting nothing!” Once I got over my shock at her cheek I told her that I’m not surprised that she got nothing, as I am not inexperienced and am well aware of psychic vampires, conscious or unconscious and I never go out without protection to keep people from lowering my energy or letting in any unbalanced or low energy forms that might be hanging around in the environment. She seemed quite cross that I wouldn’t allow her to charge herself up on my energy.
If you don’t buy into this here are a couple of examples of how you will have most likely experienced this yourself…
1) You feel great and then you go to spend time with someone you know who is very needy and demanding. After you leave them you are exhausted. Even if you didn’t speak about their problems.
2) You go out into a public space for a bit of shopping or to meet up with friends and you feel really drained and tired when you get home despite only having walked a bit and spent some time in a coffee shop.
In both cases your energy has been drained by someone who is vibrating at a lower level than you. This is not a judgment thing, it’s just a fact about energy. It doesn’t mean they are better or worse than you in any way, it could be as simple as your mood is high or theirs is low. Its all an exchange of energy which happens all the time!
Anyway, back to this morning’s practice. I grounded, centred and protected myself and then did my medicine wheel meditation that I do every day. There are many models or templates for this from all over, but mine is one I’ve used for over 20 years and it works for me.
I started in the East, in my model the gateway to Fire and Spirit, and I asked for guidance, inspiration, enlightenment, for light to be shed onto my healing journey. This is the place of new beginnings, starting over. I asked to be guided through this healing journey and for spirit to help me remember at all times that in truth there is no illness, danger or anything to fear; that the material world is illusory and the stuff of duality, simply the appearance of reality, but actually only a reflection of the deeper reality beneath. I spent some time in gratitude for the flow of spiritual awareness and support in my life.
In the south, gateway to Water and the Emotions I connected with the universal flow, and asked spirit to help me remember to flow at all times with all life brings to me, and to allow my emotions to flow through me, while I remain detached from them in my calm centre and I asked spirit to support me in witnessing, fully feeling and experiencing my emotions as they flow through me, but not to keep hold of them and thus indulge them, whether painful or comfortable. I reminded myself that only love is real and spent some time in gratitude for all of the loving, nurturing and nourishing relationships that I am blessed with in my life.
During this time connecting with emotions, water and flow, I began to notice an imbalance in my hands. In the place of the south I was holding my hands in the Buddhi mudra to connect to the element of water even more deeply. I ‘felt’ into my hands (moved my awareness into them) to explore the imbalance more and was fully mindful of the energy in them, the tightness and swelling and this strange sense of imbalance between left and right. It felt like one hand was making a different mudra to the other, I looked down and they were the same but felt really different.
The weather was changing around me as I sat, the wind blew in the trees and ruffled my hair and it was chilly with the clouds scudding all over the sky, white and grey ones that sprinkled me firstly with pellets of icy hail and then with large but intermittent drops of rain. I was still warm from my workout and the thick tracksuit I was wearing and the hoody and raincoat over my legs.
I sat feeling the swirling emotions within me and the currents of wind without. There was a blackbird close by on top of the huge pine tree across the year from me. He was singing his head off and the sound, intensified by my eyes being closed, took me back to a place of deep love, to early childhood. I was very young, perhaps five or so, in the garden of my Auntie Kay, a very elderly lady friend of my mother’s who we visited a lot when I was tiny. I sank into feelings of safety, warmth, love, care, being protected, looked after, innocent still of the cruelties, suffering and loss that life inevitably brings us, and suddenly I was crying for that small child, for my mum and dad and the lovely old ladies who were family friends and doted on us and who are all long dead.
I recognised that since my mum died in 1991 I had no one older and wiser than me, no loving elder to hold me and say that things will be ok; to give me support and advice, to say I’m here, don’t worry, you won’t fall, I’ve got you.
I felt such a wave of grief and longing release from my heart, I wanted so much to have that feeling again and I knew that not having anyone there for me, in that particular way, was both the greatest loss and the greatest gift of my life. It meant that I had no option 24 years ago other than to turn to spirit, first in the form of nature, then later to non physical beings; my spirit guides and guardian angels, in order to get the support and wisdom to grow through my life challenges. I had experienced some big challenges that I really needed support for in my twenties and thirties and I feel that turning to spirit for help opened me up to the most incredible experiences I’ve ever known, taking away forever my fear of death and showing me many times over that the non physical realms are not only real but very much able to engage with us in the material world.
As I sat there with the hail falling in my hair like diamonds through hot shafts of sunlight I was bathed in fire and ice. I felt that I must be sitting in a rainbow as the wind blew, shushing and whispering in the trees, the birds joyfully sang their little hearts out, the cuckoo called out from below me in the valley, and the woodpecker’s hammering echoed between the trees. I felt like I was in heaven. No wonder the earth is so healing to us – when we stop to fully listen and feel, our hearts can open up and nature’s beauty, perfection, the emerging creative, joyful life energy that flows everywhere is bound to fill us too with joy, peace, harmony and vitality.
After that I moved into the West, the gateway to Earth and the Body and I changed my mudra to the Soorya mudra, the earth element, that brings health and vitality. I asked the spirit of the west to aid me in regaining my health and vitality and to understand what my body needs to return to balance and health.
Again, in this mudra, my hands felt unbalanced and as I felt more deeply into my whole body I realised that it was my whole left (feminine) and right (masculine) sides of my body felt different, unbalanced and almost disconnected, as if they belonged to two different people.
The left side felt heavy, tight, swollen, toxic, blocked, stagnant, inflamed and angry. As I let my awareness sink deeper into my body I felt it was swollen with unshed tears, unexpressed rage (inflammation is usually anger issues – fire energy) burning fury, impotence and grief.
The right side felt clear, open, soft and flowing, almost transparent. It felt full of liquid warmth and was energised. The sun began to shine hotter and brighter and the wind softened to a cool breeze. I opened my eyes for a few moments and the sky was a deep blue, the clouds almost gone and I focussed on the imbalance within me and deepened into it as the sun’s warmth eased me into the blocked pain in my left side.
I allowed myself to feel the sun melting the blocks, asked the breeze to blow them away, thanked the rain for cleansing my energy and the earth for receiving my pain as I cried and cried, a torrent of grief, sorrow and hurt poured out of me. As the flow slowly ebbed and emptied away I was left filled with peace.
Once I had fully immersed myself in the peace within, I slowly moved my awareness to the North, the gateway to Air and the Mind and changed to Gnana mudra, the air element and bringer of wisdom and spiritual understanding. I remembered the wisdom, knowledge and understanding that I have gained and that which I still have to learn and will come to me as I move further into my wise woman energy – that crone stage that is coming at the end of my menopause journey. I asked for the spirit of the north to increase my wisdom, knowledge and understanding for the highest good of myself and of all beings, and that my experiences would be able to help others find ways to enjoy for themselves more peace, love and harmony and less suffering.
I gave thanks to the spirits of the four directions and the elements, the trees, the birds, the ice and fire, mother earth and father sky and the rain, the beautiful life giving rain. Then I chanted for a while, the great Moola mantra.
The Maha Moola mantra invokes the living God into the space where you are, it invokes protection, relief from suffering, connects us to the void, to love and joy, medicine and nectar – it brings serenity, the holy spirit manifests around you when you chant it. It is perfect practice for someone on a healing journey.
I then finally went inside, now thoroughly chilled and in need of some breakfast.
Things are moving on, I am still taking vast quantities of Vitamin C as calcium ascorbate, or ascorbic acid as its called. I am taking Kyolic garlic, the Serrapeptase and the Immunkomplex. These supplements are helping a lot. The hospital are pleased with my progress and improvements and I am just getting monitored now, now treatments from them.
I still think that what will allow this to be ultimately released from my system is more work like I did today; more healing, more remembering and letting go, allowing my body to let out what it has stored for so long and wishes to be rid of. Then, I think, I will come back to balance and health.
Well, here’s to that!